Ancient History

Welcome to the BBC’s Fair and Balanced production of the secrets of ancient history. Today’s programme covers the end of the dark ages and the early years of the rise of the grand Network as the powerful world leader that we know today. I’m your host, David Attenborogh XVII. Thank you for joining us.

Roughly in the year 157 B.F.A., The former peoples created something they called the Inner Net. There’s no evidence yet of any Outer Net, though there are diligent Journalists searching for it. This Inner Net allowed them to freely exchange ideas, which is what led directly to their downfall. Once the people realized that they had different ideas, they started to disagree. There are records of wars that happened in the Inner Net, most of which culminated in the resurrection of one of their worst war criminals, someone named Hitler. The resurrection of Hitler was usually employed as a means of ending the war, but it backfired as often as not.

Not long after, the wars spilled out of the Inter Nets and into the rest of their lives, affecting television, politics, and something called news papers. News papers were a way for people to shove their opinions on current events into the faces of others. People started reading only the news papers that agreed with their own opinions, and when the Inner Net wars spilled out into the rest of society, neighbour was pitted against neighbour, siblings started fights, husbands and wives had strained marital relations.

It was obvious that someone needed to step in and save things before humanity destroyed itself altogether. At that time there was a television network that was already giving a fair and balanced view of current events, with a small but loyal following. It was one of those followers who realized that the world would be a better place if only everyone agreed with each other. Obviously, he had the only right information, so he set about making everyone agree with him and watch what was then called Fox News. It was slow going at first, but in 12 B.F.A., when a Journalist from Fox News became president of the former United States, he was able to implement several laws that hastened the process of unity.

Other false news networks found their funding cut, while Fox News was broadcast twenty-four hours a day, ensuring that everyone had a chance to see it. Once more people started watching Fox News, disagreements went down sharply. The people who were left still disrupting the unity were suddenly easy to spot as the dissenters and rabble-rousers that they were. The world watched the next presidential election of the former United States very closely. Both candidates were running on a platform of proposing what to do about the dissenters. The more moderate candidate won, and the dissenters were rounded up and left on a series of islands without any means of escaping back to the mainland.

When the leaders of other countries saw that, they gratefully followed that example and rounded up their own dissenters. Some countries were rather more harsh and killed them, but after everything was over, it was generally agreed that it was a much nicer place to live when everyone agreed with everyone else.

Coming up after the break, we’ll take a look at the gruesome fates of some of the people who dared to think for themselves in the years following the unity, and how Fox News became The Network, which runs the world so well today.